


Breaking News

by Jaina



Category: Star Wars: New Jedi Order Era - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-03
Updated: 2003-10-03
Packaged: 2017-11-05 09:08:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaina/pseuds/Jaina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humorously intended rants about various New Jedi Order series inconsistencies, done in the style of mock news reports and parodies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jagged Fel Eye Coloring Issue

"Fellow beings of the Galaxy, tonight on HNNN, the HoloNet News Network that the Galaxy depends upon, brings you breaking news, and several exclusive stories that you will only see here, unless of course weird Yuuzhan Vong creatures once again use some sort of weird biobabble type item to disrupt the holorelays.  
"Now onto the main story of the night, apparently Jagged Fel, The Galactic Alliances most loved-especially by everyone's favorite Yuuzhan Vong Goddess- clawcraft pilots, has either obtained colored contacts or had new eyes implanted. We are able to bring you this ever so important announcement tonight because of the extremely skilled writings of one of the Galaxies favorite profic writers, Greg Keyes. It is due to a comment in Mr. Keyes newest novel that we now know that Colonel Fel has blue eyes.

"When reports of this first came in it was suggested by some fans (mainly Nom Anor and Yen Nim fans) that perhaps this change was due to the errors of the professional writer. However, these initial claims were quickly dismissed by most loyal fans, many of whom were quoted as saying that the claim was so unbelievable that not even Elgos Akla or Borsk Felaya could pretend to believe it. Still in the interest of upholding our reputation of carefully checking facts here at HNNN (Ha ha) we tried to arrange an interview with the good Colonel, himself.  
"Unfortunately he declined, stating that he was too busy with squadron duties and saving the Galaxy *cough*Jaina Solo*cough* to spare time for an interview. He did, however, leave us with a brief statement explaining his actions.  
"We now give you Colonel Jagged Fel in his own grim words: "Well the change my eye color has been a long time in coming. With all of these different authors it was bound to happened sooner or later, but I decided to take matters into my own hands first. I also noticed that all of Jain- I mean, Yun Harla's apparent suitors have been almost identical. Apparently we're all tall, with dark hair, green eyes, and an amazing physique. When I noticed this and of course, Jaina I finally got together, I decided that I didn't want a case of mistaken identity. You know, Jaina accidentally sticking her tongue down Durron or Zekks throat. So I decided that it was time for a change." It is important to note that Colonel Fel actually gives a full fledged grin here. "And Jaina obviously likes my new eyes. She actually went so far as to blush at my gaze."

"Nearby fans were refrained from comment, but distant fans could once again be heard screaming about author error. They were quickly silenced and many on lookers were shocked by this sudden development. Some by standers, probably the Nom Anor and Nem Yim fans once again, have attributed the sudden quiet to accidental slip of the author's pen, but the senate's still out on that.  
"Well, that's all for now folks, but we will be back after the commercials with two more important reports. The out-of-the-blue apprenticeship of Tahiri Veila and the total disappearance of Jacen Solo." (Not that we'll really miss him, if he promises to take Danni Quee with him, once and for all)


	2. Rampant, Unannounced Demotion!

We here at HNNN have another intriguing development to report to you tonight. It seems as if there has been a blatant demotion of one of the Jedi's youngest and most talked about Knight's, Tahiri Veila. At the tender age of sixteen this remarkable young Jedi Knight has fallen in love with another of the Order's bright, young rising stars, only to have him ripped violently away from her while they were participating in a mission on Myrk involving an elite group of Jedi who's mission it was to save the entire Order from destruction. She has also led a starfighter squadron and survived mind altering torture from the Yuuzhan Vong. She even managed to cope with the side effects of another personality to maintain her sanity.

We here at HNNN of course, find it in no way preposterous that a sixteen year old or younger girl could manage all of this or even be allowed to join the military, much less lead a squadron. We would also like to point out that it was in fact, almost a year ago when Jedi Veila, now Apprentice Veila was officially Knighted, although she had previously been acting without a master for quite some time.

Her recent apparent demotion also came in the midst of dangerious mission, this time a mission to a moving planet that was somehow supposed to bring peace to the galaxy. While this demotion was definitely an unexpected turn of events for the rest of the galaxy, it was equally surprising for Jed- er, Apprentice Veila.

To quote her earlier comment, "I don't know what happened. One moment I was there full of righteous rage, the next thing I know I'm saying 'Yes, Master,' to Corran Horn. My sudden demotion was quite a shock, but as time went by I began to notice that it seemed as if I had demoted myself and asked Jedi Horn to teach me the ways of the Jedi. I, of course, have no memory of this, but given the recent event concerning the state of my mental health, the possibility of me having a third personality who is responsible for this, is being investigated."

In response to this comment, other sources have begun to call Apprentice Veila the resident Jedi lunatic, as that position has been vacant since the death of the clone Jedi Master Joruus C'Boath. However, we couldn't get any sources inside the order to confirm or deny this report.

Another independent investigation has been started based on the assumption that the now Apprentice Veila has a form of inverse "Solo Luck." Instead of attracting good luck as the Solos have for decades, Apprentice Veila has been attracting bad luck. This would appear to be true in the case of both Anakin Solo and Nem Yim. Both beings were said to grow close (in entirely different ways) to Veila during their last days, but then die soon after receiving some revelation that would change the face of the galaxy and unite it in peace.

According to this theory, Miss Veila's sudden demotion to apprentice was the will of a very peeved force. Several beings, however, did note that this theory seemed a bit farfetched. These beings, perhaps for fear of authors actually doing some permanent editing to their characters, would not give their names and wished to remain anonymous. They're own ludicrous theory points to a logical (yeah, right) assumption made on the part of the author (For other instances of this phenomenon see the aforementioned Jag Fel eye coloring dispute). It appears that the author, when confronted with a situation where a younger Jedi worked with an older Jedi, immediately forgot the previous cannon works and resorted to the traditional master/apprentice relationship.

That concludes this portion of our broadcast for the evening, but we'll be back later with news about the recent Jacen Solo disappearance.

It should also be noted that, while we here at HNNN wish Apprentice Veila the best of luck on a promotions in the near future, we call dibs o the exclusive report that will result when without any notice or mention of her demotion at all, Apprentice Veila is repromoted to her former status, before her next jaunt into the world of Profics.

A note to the uninformed: Profics is actually an abbreviation. This abbreviation is commonly mistaken for the words Pro Fiction, but actually stands for Prolific Errors.


	3. The Disappearance Clause

"Now Gentle or Not-So-Gentle Beings of the Galaxy, we bring the top story of the evening, the disappearance of one of the 'Orders most conflicted characters, Jacen Solo. Before any of our most intelligent viewers go and begin to feel sorry for this morally tormented young man it should be noted that when we remarked that young Jacen was conflicted we meant that in the sense that he is conflicted because of the sheer number of authors who have no clue how to write his character.

"We can't yet tell you exactly where Jedi Solo, the male one, was for his missing piece of time, however we can tell you where he is now. To enlighten you on the actual topic we here at HNNN are, now presenting you with an exclusive interview with Jacen Solo that should explain it all in his very own words. He is being interviewed by our very own T'm Br'k'w.

HNNN: Thank you for joining us Jedi Solo. The entire galaxy was left somewhat bewildered by your most recent disappearance. Can you shed any light on your disappearance for us?

JS: Well to be honest T'M, I was a bit disappointed. My past disappearances haven't been that pleasant. I've either been left suspended in a dangling plot thread or left to the implied terrible pain of torture. I was actually quite distressed when I was informed by my newest author that I would be "disappearing again. I even tried appealing to the highest power.

HNNN: Oh yes, as a powerful Jedi Knight of the Skywalker line and the hope of the New Jedi Order, you must be very in touch with the will of the Force.

JS: The Force? Oh no, I was referring to the Great Flanneled One. He promised me the position of protagonist after they disposed of my younger brother for having the wrong name.

HNNN: Um, alskdhfsogis asodigfhsgihasdf ,a sdoifhasdihf. We apologize for the momentary difficulties Beings, it appears that our last question was censored. Perhaps it's best not to ask why asldkhfsod asodufosdj.

JS: On to the next question, perhaps, before some permanent editing is done?

HNNN: That might be best. Jedi Solo, can you comment on how your disappearance has effected your quasi-semi-maybe-possibly girlfriend, Danni Quee? Some individuals who have asked to remain anonymous have gone on record as saying that they were glad that you had disappeared as long as you took Ms. Quee with you.

JS: [Frightened look suddenly appears on Solo] That was never in my contract. Frankly she terrifies me. She's like a stalker that won't go away. Why do you think, I consented to this disappearance? I made it a clause in the contract that she had to disappear to a separate location. Tenel Ka, My lovely queen, where have you gone? Come save me, please! I know we haven't had the chance to spend that much time together since the academy, but please have mercy. Rescue me before They doom me to a life of torment, I mean marriage, to her.

"Well there you have it folks. The true reason for Jacen Solo's disappearance all of this time, escaping Danni Quee. It should also be noted that at this point in the interview a woman with blonde hair happened to shift in the audience and it sent Jedi Solo into such a severe nervous breakdown that he was immediately rushed to the nearest med center.

"Word on his condition is scarce at the moment, but he is scheduled for a major, apocalyptic death duel with the Supreme Overlord in the next few days. The only med tech that would speak to us had only this to say when asked whether Jedi Solo would be up to the fight or not: "It depends, does the Supreme Overlord have blonde hair and green eyes? If not we're good to go. If so, well...The Great Flanneled One had better okay another Protagonist."

"And that Ladies and Indeterminate Beings concludes our update for the evening. We hope you enjoyed watching HNNN tonight and will continue to make HNNN your only viewing station. Until tomorrow night or brutal death and disembowelment by the Yuuzhan Vong, Goodbye and Goodnight from everyone one here."


	4. Chapter 4

We here at HNNN interrupt your regularly scheduled smashball game tonight to bring you breaking news! No we do not have more news to report on the unbelievable surrender of the Yuuzhan Vong, instead we give you this. Jaina Solo has decided to become a politician and a diplomat! After first receiving this shocking news hours earlier, we finally caught up with Jedi Solo for her comments on this news. She was kind enough to give us a full interview.

 **HNNN:**  So you've decided to become a diplomat and a politician. Is this shocking news true?

 **Goddess:**  Yes it is. I've decided that with the end of the war it was time for a change. My character hadn't been butchered quite as badly as Mara's yet, so I needed to take a path that was directly contradictory to everything that I had believed in. I had blown off the man I loved mere minutes before I made my decision on the premise that I wanted to change the Galaxy in a way that my mother wasn't able too, so I decided to immediately follow in her footsteps.

 **HNNN:**  So uh, do you have any more specific plans for the future?

 **Goddess:**  Well I haven't made in specific plans yet, but I imagine it will involve more of the same- contradicting any established character trait that I've showed so far, even if they're contradictory.

 **HNNN:**  What about the Jedi and the military? Will you continue to be active with them?

 **Goddess:**  Only in times of Galactic Crisis when only I can save the day, but even then I'll pretty much just hang back and let Jacen and Uncle Luke do all of the work. I will still devote as much time as necessary to get all of the dark haired green eyed pilots and Jedi to fall in love with me, however. A Goddess must never fail in her duty.

 **HNNN:**  Now that you mention that, why do we keep mentioning that Goddess charade? I thought that plot device was abandoned several years ago?

 **Goddess:**  Well actually when the Yuuzhan Vong found out that the only time I had outshined my mother was when I received the ranking of Goddess, the felt that I had endured quite enough pain and named me an honorary Goddess.

 **HNNN:**  Back to this politician business. Doesn't it concern you in the slightest that the only time that you've shown any talent for politics or diplomacy was while you were under the influence of the Darkside?

 **Goddess:**  [waves hand] You will ask another question. There is nothing you want to know here. Politics are not of the Darkside.

 **HNNN:**  I will ask another question. There is nothing I want to know here. Politics are not of the Darkside. Em, what does your family think of your decision?

 **Goddess:**  Well my mother is overjoyed of course, that I'm finally following in her footsteps. My Aunt and Uncle are quite happy to see me moving the Jedi into a new area of pointless maneuvering- I mean progress in aiding the citizens of the galaxy. And my brother hasn't quite been able to decide yet whether I'm following a good path or not. He's still questioning me. He thinks I'll change my mind again soon anyway.

 **HNNN:**  Thank you for granting this interview, Goddess. Now we'll let everyone get back to their regularly scheduled smashball game. We here at HNNN will only interrupt you again if something utterly phenomenal happens, like a someone acting in character, that is of course, if we can remember how they were supposed to act.

Thank you and goodnight.


End file.
